Posted by still on 2014/12/28 under Uncategorized I just needed to get this out. Look, I’ve got other things to worry about other than the word “love”. Like trying to impress my parents and clear my O levels so they are happy. And honestly I wish I could put a hold on going to school to pursue my music but no I cant because everytime they’re telling me how wonderful Da is and all his sucsess story that make me feel like they want me to be a replica of Da. I’m happy for him but I am not him and they never get that. So I’m currently living in his shadow trying my best(which is not working) to be like him. I never thought it would turn out like this but I guess it has. I have to be a girl Da if not they would never be happy with me. You have no idea how that makes me feel. At least your dad encoraged me and Mer to continue writing. And I really appriciated that from his part. I started writing a new book and my dad got so pissed at me that he made me move my desk and laptop downatairs to the sittingroom he said I’m not being serious at all and would send me back if I aint careful. This happened some months ago when Da was still here and he told me to obey them no matter how hard it was. He never even read the book I wrote. No one has and he was asking about the things Mer had written but has never once asked about mine. He pisses me off so much I wish I could run away from home and never come back. If I was in the USA, I would. I would not even think about it twice. I’m miserable here. I cant express myself and my parents think I’m fine with everything and they always make me feel guilty when they tell me about how the went to school and how I should be glad I have this opportunity that no one in my family has ever had. So I guess I have to go with the stings…just like a puppet…..what if I told you I slit my wrist twice when I was in Nig and could have died but none of you noticed not even you. Mer only found out when my classmates saw me and then Unc Ay found out when he saw dry blood on my wrist but you of all people that claimed to be my cousine hadno idea. What still hurts me till today is that whenever I was sick you were not ther for me. You pretended like I was not there. Your mum hated it when I got sick she thought I was pretending but when Mer got sick everyone was head over heels for her…..I went wih a pounding headache and faint feeling and I did not say a thing because your mum would just start shouting all over again….I was hurt like more than words can tell but there was nothing I could do except wait for the phase to pass and see what happened next…….I was lonely and fed up with everything, thats what pushed me to do the things I did with Dami and he was not the only one I made out with. The only guy hat actually seemed to care about me was Niyi. At after a while I asked him why he cared so much about what I did. He said because he loves me but he knows I’ll never agree to be in relationship with him but that the least he could do was protect me from guys who did not care about me. Eventhough he was a muslem he still cared about me. He comforted me when I told him I was not feeling fine thats why I could not pick up his calls.He shouted at me when ever I gave you the phone to talk to him but He was there for me when I told him I was scared about leaving Nigeria because my parents are so different from everyone else. He begged me to talk to my mum when I was avoiding her calls because I did not want to hear her hurt voice anymore. Although he could be rough on me sometime asking me why I was alowing guys to flirt wih me and he sometimes talks dirty and I get into fights with him but he was there for me. You may have thought that you were but no you never were, I never felt it. I could see you near me but we were miles and miles apart. Remember the time when you were completly ignoring me cause I left you that night, you have no idea how I felt. I felt like I should just disappear from the face of the earth. Even if I was going to ruin my life you should have no part of it. When I got here, I felt more alone than ever. I started doing crazy things on the internet. Randome video chatting with guys showing off my body while chatting wih guys getting them high and horny but it was not helping me at all so I quit. I even went to the extend of nude. I’m so messed up but no one knows. I always try my best to put up a fake smile that seems to fool lots of people even my parents. I am hurt in so many ways and thats why the word “LOVE” carries no weight in me anymore. What I’m saying is exacty how I feel but its 1/4. Its nowhere close to everything I feel. I was able to also hide how I truely felt from Mer. She thought I was just having fun with guys but I was not. I cry myself to sleep and I still do but no one hears me. I scream but life still goes on with everyone. I always felt like an outsider. The pictures I brought home from school your parents were mad at me what if it was Mer who did that, they would not have been mad at all they would say how wonderfull and generous the school was was and blah blah blah. But me no. There was no day I felt accsepted by any of you. The things I did i didnt do them for attention I was trying to forget everything. I hated coming home everyday after school and was really glad when Unc Ay asked me to stay a bit longer after school. He noticed how reluctant I felt about going home after school. God knows how he notice. He became more than a teacher but also a very close friend. Boy I was glad that I did not have to face any of you. Its the same here just a bit worse. I dread coming home. I always put so much attention to my club because it was the only way to be myself a little bit. Whenever I sang and danced, nothing mattered to me except the music I forget every one around me. But when the music stopped I knew I was where I started. The way I felt, I would never pray for anyone to feel the same way ever because I almost killed myself and no one knew that I could have lost my virginity to Dami when he asked me if he could take “us” to the next level but I said no that I was not in for that. Everyone had no clue at all even when the clue was right infront of them the never read between the lines. I never begged for atention all I wanted was to belong and feel accsepted by you guys but fortunately for me I was not. I’m not praying to be accepted anymore. I’d rather not anymore. That’s me. Looking really perfect on the outside but I’m full of scars on the inside.